I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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