you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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