when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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