Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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