I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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