My room smells like vodka and shame
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
