my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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