it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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