McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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