The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
