I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You made out with two different species that night
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
