Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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