I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
