The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Randomize
