Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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