I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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