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My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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