I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
