she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
