u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was born a porn star she said
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm always down for nudity.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
