So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
