i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just pee around me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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