I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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