Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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