we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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