I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
