I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
