Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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