Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
