Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
