idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
