addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
