I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
