He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
