So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
