Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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