I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
