Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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