So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
