Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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