Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
