I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
