You don't have asthma, your pregnant
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
