I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
