By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
