Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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