I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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