me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
