After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
