but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
