you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
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Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
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I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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