Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
