Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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