i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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