A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
