I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
