I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Houston, we have a blender
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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