At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
