I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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